My Honest Feelings Now--- Almost 3 months

My Honest Feelings Now--- Almost three months

June 5, 2011

In the TV and magazine interviews, I was asked if I have experienced any changes in my feelings from the onset of the earthquake/tsunami to the present.  I was puzzled by such a question as my feelings change from day to day.  I am fed up with the same old questions from various sources.  The responses and reactions to the earthquake and tsunami vary among the survivors and families of the deceased.  It would be better to face ordinarily with those who are trying to lead a normal life.

In my case, I first placed the painful, harsh fact outside my thought range.  I was not ignoring the fact, but rather I was intentionally controlling it in order to alleviate my pain and sorrow.  It worked for me around the time shortly after the earthquake.  However, as the time passes, sorrow has started to surface gradually.

My husband told me that people felt grief most when they remembered the decreased.
It is surely so.  The more I remember them, the sadder I feel.


Recently I remembered the alley from 25 years ago that I used to pass when I was a child.  This was even before Onagawa Bypass was built.  Where did this lead to?  I tried to remember, but my memory broke off.  Then I remembered my old house.  There were a lineup of many coffee cups and a siphon coffee-maker that my mother cherished.  I tried to visualize where they went.  Then I wondered how the stairs and pillars were destroyed.  And then my mind became exhausted to the point where my thought process stopped.

It is not a sin to feel grief.  However, it takes so much energy.  So I want to feel grief at my own pace.  There is a way to share grief with others, but I would like to feel it on my own.  It is my ritual.  So I am still not good at dealing with sad phone calls from people I know.  (I don’t know what to say if they cry.)  I can handle somewhat If I am telling sad news about me.

However, I feel very uneasy when I am asked a question.  When I talk to my elder sister, I always talk about a funny story.

On the other hand, I would rather not be alone when I try to keep my chin up.  I would like to be surrounded by many people who support each other.  I truly appreciate the support from my friends at the time like this.  I met many people through this tragic earthquake.

There is no way that we can change this reality.  The house is gone; my parents are gone; the reality does not change.

If you ask me whether it is painful, it is not painful.
If you ask me whether I feel sad, I don’t’ feel sad.
Getting myself totally absorbed in my work and taking on new thing may be a good way to deal with grief.  A challenge to a new thing may bring a balance to my life.

These are my honest feelings.

I wonder how all of you are doing now.